meine wochenende.

i don't get up to anything these days.

the highlight of my friday night was watching jonathon ross, which admittedly is pretty cool.

my saturday's generally involve me getting up, coursework, saturday night tv, bed. whatta bloody joy.

i miss when we used to have our friday night's without fail, because it would just be mandatory. and once we'd have one of them, i don't really have to do much for the rest of the weekend, but i can still say i had a good weekend, when someone asks me on monday morning.

i can't wait for all my coursework to be over and done with. it's my fault really, i should have cared for year 10, because all the coursework i did then is having to be redone because it was all the biggest pile of shit ever.but never minddd, i've got this summer to look forward to, which i know, touch wood, is gunna be amazing! so maybe i should stop complaining and writing pointless blogs and just get on with my work and then the fun will come quicker. but work is tooo boring. bummer.

chemistry,

is a wonderful oppurtunity to write a blog.

"this is the cross road in your life, you'll look back and think, what if?" oh mr shu, i love you.
it's quite sad to think of all the pathetic little things that make me happy, like an episode of Glee or a nice msn conversation. yesturday i talked to someone about how Jack Bauer means Jack Farmer ;-) quite sad really. at the moment there is absolutely nothing big happening, which could be good but it's also pretty boring. i've still been having a nice time though, i just kinda want a bit of adventure and excitement to spice things up a little. i thought earlier, "what if lizzie wasn't my twin?" and "what if i don't bother to do this coursework?", but then i didn't like to think about it, because if lizzie wasn't my twin, i'd die inside, and if i didn't do this coursework, i'd fail. so basically i've come to a conclusion: to stop thinking and just let myself be carried along the sea that are supposedly called 'the best years of our lives'. yay.

pure genius,

has to be one of the best films of all time!

and i can't wait for this:

dumbledore, the wise.

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."

this is how keen i am over harry potter :')

i have a cold. fml.

The Bucket List.

i agree afsara, it's way too hard!

watch this film, i swear i cry bucket fulls every time!

my tears are all dried up.

it's kind of weird that i want to cry. i can only find pathetic reasons why i would feel the need though. crying makes me feel quite good actually, rather than more sad. i just want to have the hcoice to sometimes. i reckon i've cried about 5 times in my life, and thats a quite realistic figure. i only really cry at extreme makeover: home edition. i cried at the bucket list, not titanic, i cried at being told i wasn't as much as a best friend as someone else, and that's about it. it's quite pathetic really. i want to do it but i can't. i didn't cry when i found out my granma had cancer, my nan had a heart attack etcetcetc. i felt so very very very sad obviously, i just couldn't manage one single tear, as hard as i tried. it makes me feel so selfish and heartless but i try my best. i honestly do. it's harder than it looks you know.

i'm no superman

well, i know what i've been told,

you've got to work to feed the soul,

but i can't do all this on my own,

no, i know,

i'm no superman.

i miss JD.

my time will come.

i miss being the one that people will come to. to tell me stuff and know that i won't tell a soul.
but that time seems to have floated away. i don't know any dirty little secrets anymore. i don't know who's been breaking your heart this week, or who's going to mend it the next. i don't know what you feel about life, what you do and don't like. i miss being the one involved with your life. now it's just like i'm one of the many pieces on your chess board, the one who you sacrifice to save yourself. bummer.

i'd get a thousand hugs,

from ten thousand lightning bugs,

as they tried to teach me how to dance,

a fox trot above my head,

a sock hop beneath my bed,

a disco ball that's just hanging by a thread.

fear of the unknown.

some people live everyday in fear. fear of what's around the corner, just waiting for them. i don't seem to have that fear. i feel excitement of what's to come rather than worrying and disturbing myself. "the world is going to end in 2012", well then start fucking living, don't be scared of what's to come. we may aswell make the most of what we've got right now.

don't live in fear of the unknown.

my dreams are bursting at the seems.

leave my door open just a crack,
'cause i feel like such an insomniac,
why do i tire of counting sheep,
when i'm far too tired to fall asleep.

why is it i can never sleep?
i have too much to think about that for some reason never gets thought about when i'm not under my duvet. the darkness scares me, as much as it pains me to say. i don't like the thought of not knowing what's coming. what's just around the corner. i dislike dreams. they trick you into believing something can happen when really it can't. and nightmares, speak for themselves. noone wants to be killed in their mind, do they? i like to be under my duvet though, away from the world and in my own space. i like to pretend that i'm somewhere that in reality, i'm no where near. i hate the fact that when i switch off the light, i have to put my head under the duvet, because i'm too much of a pussy to have my head out for some reason. man up, hatti.

sometimes dreams can cheer you up though, if it's something so out of the blue that it would just be stupid to believe that could ever happen. and sometimes, when i've screwed my head on straight, i can realise that the dreams i do have are just crap and i'd be a twat to believe they would ever happen. but i guess sometimes it's nice just to have that little thing that cheers you up.

it's hard to say i'd rather stay awake when i'm asleep, 'cause everything is never as it seems when i fall asleep.

speak from the heart.

afsara told me to do this, but i honestly have no idea how.

what's in my heart is just a load of rubbish really. i don't think anyone would understand me. even the one's who know me best would just be like, "what the fuck?", but it does seem clear to me, even if i'm not quite sure what i mean.

she also said "see if we can interpret it ourselves." but i'm scared you'd get the wrong impression. i'm shit at telling people how i feel. i go into too much detail and make myself sound arrogant and over-obsessive, or i give everyone the wrong impression or make myself sound like a twat. so really, what's in my heart is probably going to have to stay ther for a while. just until i've learnt how to express myself correctly whithout fucking everything up.

sometimes i read back on what i wrote and i want to sink into the ground. did i really say stuff like that? and some of the stuff i did write was a load of rubbish to be honest. i obviously misinterpreted it myself. see, what's in my heart doesn't even make sense to me, so why would it make sense to you?

if i was going to express myself, i probably wouldn't say anything so openly. sometimes you just WANT people to read your blog because it's aimed at a certain person, but everytime i've done this they probably havn't bothered to read it, or i just make myself sound obsessed with them or something pathetic.
basically, i find it hard to express myself at any point. in person, or on paper. but that's something i'm going to attempt to do this year and tell you all what i think. because i think i've kept what i really think hidden for too long.

i literally typed this like i was being fast-forwarded, so if it doesn't make much sense, then my bad.

classic :')

harry potter has to be the best thing since sliced bread.

breakdown in the dry cleaners.

who cares who's there.

who cares who's watching.

who cares what they think.

just get it all out.

effortlessly cool.

this girl is amazing, and i'm not quite sure why i think that.

it might be the way she's standing, or that cute little chipmunk smile, or just how effortlessly cool she looks?

ALRIGHT EMMA AND MAGGIE? i edited it for you ;)

scream your heart out.

don't let the little things get in the way of the bigger picture.
don't let anyone stand in your way.
don't doubt yourself, ever.
don't give up - that's the failures job.

you'll achieve your dream. one day.